When I was a kid

When I was a kid my worst fear was school
When I was a kid my favorite thing to do was hang out with my best friends
When I was a kid I hated homework
When I was a kid my favorite color was pink 
When I was a kid my favorite store was Ambercrombie & Fitch and I didn't know how to spell it
When I was a kid spelling was my worst subject
When I was a kid my favorite breakfast was Swedish pancakes
When I was a kid I loved vanilla scented lotion
When I was a kid my favorite books were the Twilight series 
When I was a kid I loved taking pictures
When I was a kid art was my favorite subject, but I hated crayons because they always broke
When I was a kid I believed in the tooth fairy 
When I was a kid I trusted my parents with almost everything 
When I was a kid my parents knew what was best for me
When I was a kid I lied
When I was a kid I wanted to be like Olivia Lawrence
When I was a kid "I Promise" was just a way to make me go away temporarily 
When I was a kid I would swim in the pool like a mermaid
When I was a kid I didn't understand squidward
When I was a kid I would pray to God asking to give me the ability to fly
When I was a kid I was afraid of boys
When I was a kid I hated the word "no"
When I was a kid I didn't know how to ask for help
When I was a kid I was afraid of being wrong
When I was a kid I was determined to beat the boys at any competition
When I was a kid I thought I had the world all figured out

Only some things have changed

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PRETTY MUCH HOW MY BRAIN FEELS RIGHT NOW...

What I learned from being denied by BYU

I was chilling with my friends and enjoying my Friday night, when people started talking about getting into BYU Provo, which wasn't expected for another week.

My Heart was jumping out of my chest

I couldn't log into my account fast enough

My closest friend opened hers and cheered in relief and excitement as she found she was accepted
Another opened his and sighed with relief that he wasn't accepted
and another opened hers to find she was accepted, but politely declined the offer

As people started to chat about other things I finally logged in and after checking that no one was watching for my reaction

I checked my application status

DENIED, it read

and I reread it multiple times, shocked and confused

Embarrassed and Angry, tears fell on my hands quietly

My best friend turned around and shock spread across her face when she saw my tears
"How is this possible? We had almost identical applications?!" She looked at me with concern.

And that was it

I went home with the supportive thoughts and comments from my friends

And then I cried myself to sleep

When I got home my parents were asleep and I knew if I woke them up they would just want to tell me "Everything will be okay" a million times and then thrust a plan for the future at me

So I just went to bed

I woke up to them walking in my room with those same concerned faces everybody seemed to be wearing for me lately. 

After having the conversation I had expected, my dad offered that we go to kneaders for breakfast and I said yes, because what else do you do when your parents offer you a pity breakfast.

This experience seemed like there was no positive outcome
but I had a lot of time to think

BYU isn't the celestial kingdom

If you weren't "accepted" that doesn't mean your not accepted by God or anyone else around you.
It doesn't mean you were not good enough or smart enough
It doesn't mean theres no other options just as good or better.
It doesn't mean everyone else that got accepted is better than you

It just means God has a different plan for you, even if that just means you have to try try again.
It just means you might be needed somewhere else or at a different time
Or it just means you need to learn something from this experience.

Feeling extremely discouraged I just wanted to forget about BYU, but I realized
I realized I couldn't do that.

I desperately wanted to take the denied letter personally

I wanted to spit in there face and say "Whatever, your missing out on an awesome person and I didn't want to go to your stupid school anyways."

But I knew that would be lying to myself.

I couldn't just give up, even though that would be much easier.

I decided I would be Proud Of Myself and take this experience and use it to build my own character and keep trying

I decided I would be happy for my friends and celebrate with them,

Celebrate LIFE
Celebrate our Hard Work
Celebrate our Friendship
Our Futures
Our Trials
Our Accomplishments

It's all how you look at a situation
It's all how you react to a situation
Good or Bad

I Build This Wall Brick By Brick

I build this wall brick by brick

mixing my tears and happy memories with the concrete mixture

putting on lotion because you left my hands dry and cracked

wishing they never had to be surrounded by yours

frustrated because the lines will never be clean and straight

tired because building this wall is breaking me down

it's blocking the sun from my eyes and now it's getting cold

I build this wall brick by brick

making some of the bricks stick out so when I need to

I can climb over

and never look back

but I forget that I hid secret messages in the bricks

Then twenty years later I need to resolve them

So I tear this wall down

Brick by Brick

Why I hate switching rooms

Hey what would you think if we gave your younger brother your room and you took his?

Sure! No problem, I understand, it totally makes sense.

Thinks "I can't really say no."

Oh my gosh thank you! I thought we were gonna have a problem. It only makes sense right? You're not always here like he is. 

Ya. Okay.

Thinks. "No actually it doesn't make sense. I am only here for a few more months until I graduate. Can he wait until then?"

Okay well we will see you soon! Love you!

Okay. Love you too!

Two Months Later

Hey here is your new room! Do you Like it?

Thinks "This room is decent but I miss my old room."

Ya. It's great. Where is all my stuff? Like my bed frame? The only thing in here is a mattress and some white sheets...

Oh well we thought we would divide your stuff among the other kids. They needed some new furniture.

Okay..."forgets about it and decides to deal with it later"

One Day Later

Hey is it okay if we switch you to your youngest sisters room?

Thinks "I should have seen this coming."

Why?

Well your other brother wants your room. And your not always here so it only makes sense right?

Sure. Okay. I don't mind.

"Wants to argue, but knows that will just dig me deeper."

"Moves into room with NO windows, after living in a room with a balcony for ten years"

" Cries on the inside because I feel like I just got kicked to the bottom of the barrel, tries to understand, but just cries more on the inside."

"Doesn't know what's right or wrong, but knows her opinion doesn't change anything"

The Rose and The Thorn

Everyone wants to be you

Everyone wants to be friends with you

Your beautiful, rich, and almost famous

but I think you almost have too many thorns

When I'm with you I get a taste of what it is like to be a rose

but then I get stabbed and it kinda stings a lot

But i love you

You're a part of my life and you always will be

But you're kinda hard to trust

I love you but I am nervous around you

If I go too deep into your rose bush I end up a little shredded, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually...

Once the cuts heal It's easy to forget then forgive

But the truth is everyone sees my scars even if I try to ignore them

I don't know what is right or what is wrong anymore, all I know is

i love you

Hats and Shoes

I've worn many Hats but only some Shoes
I've worn the brave hat
                                     the depressed hat
                                                                  the "I'm okay" hat
                                                                                              
the "RICH" hat the "POOR" hat
                 Not by money, but by memories
                    

 i haven't walked in many shoes 

ONLY A FEW ARE WARN OUT

I have a closet full of shoes waiting to be tried on...

new shoes are uncomfortable

some are a new trend i'm not sure if i like or not

how will I know if i like them if i don't wear them for a day or two or three

I am me...and a lot of other things

I am a secret super star

I am an amazing dancer

I am addicted to root beer

I am a hoptorgeahrepr

I am a frequent flyer

I am confused

I am funny

I am proud

I am an artist

I am okay

I am a people person

I am an introvert extrovert

I am a Child of God

I am never alone

I'm only one call away

ooooooOOOONNNNNEEEEeeee CAAAALL AAAWAY!

I am a Singer

I am quiet

I am LOUD

I am Awesome! no your not dude don't lie. I'm Awesome!

I am here

I am there

I am young

I am Old

I am riding life's rollercoaster

I am me...and a lot of other things